Day #4 and #5

Day #4: "Never Stopping, Ever Searching"

The story of Jarius and the woman who touched Christ's garment is told in this chapter. After reading this story in the scriptures, I have come to learn that my trials, especially my one with my church situation, is a way of testing my faith to grow closer to the Lord. You know how the saying goes, "It always gets worse before it gets better?" That was the case for both Jarius and the woman. Jarius learned his daughter was dead before she was able to rise again, and the woman had a disease for 12 years before she was finally healed. I believe my situation may be that I am pushed to the brink of temptaion and heartache before I finally find a ward that I love. Who knows whether it's a family ward or a singles ward? Only the Lord. What do I need to do? Go back to church. Stay for all of the meetings. Go for my faith and my love of God before I go for the interaction. If I go for the true purpose and the right reason, everything else will follow and fall into place. The author quoted Joseph Smith saying:

"Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire."

I love that quote! Everything TRULY does happen for a reason and it truly does happen in the Lord's, time. The invitation for this chapter is to think of a time in my life when I had to search for the Savior to "find strength beyond my own". I believe that I am in the midst of that right now. I am growing my faith and understanding. I promise the Lord that I shall be "Never Stopping, Ever Searching."

Day #5: "Who Is This Jesus?"

After reading about Jesus and the Samaritan woman in the scriptures and reading Emily Freeman's explanation and interpretation of the story, I have come to realize I am like the Samaritan woman, in that I believe that I am not good enough to have a relationship with the Lord because of who I am and my knowledge of him. I have been taught about Christ and I have been told about Christ and His teachings and His life, but I really truly don't know who He is. Up until this time in my life, I believed that I wasn't worthy enough to have a relationship with him, and it has been preventing me from going to church and learning and understanding more about him. It has also prevented me from looking for Christ, as part of day #4. All of this has been making me suffer spiritually, among many other things. The invitation for this day is to find a simple learning moment daily until the end of this challenge. My challenge to myself? To do this everyday for the rest of my life. I need to be constant and diligent and I will get to the relationship I would like to have with the Lord and feel better about myself. Who knows if that's a few months from now or a few years from now, but with my constant diligence I will be able to get there someday.

Sorry for my boring entries lately, they will get better. At the moment I just feel the need to blog about this right now in my life.

Love you all!

Day #3 - "A Common Thread"

These pictures are just the pictures that they put with each of the days. Just sharing them with you all.

"We renew our appeal for the keeping of individual histories and accounts of sacred experiences in our lives -- answered prayers, inspiration from the Lord, administrations in our behalf, a record of the special times and events of our lives. From these records you can also approprately draw as you relay faith-promoting stores in your family circles and discussions. Stories of inspiration from our own lives and those of our forebears as well as stories from our scriptures and our history are powerful teaching tools. I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records they will indeed be a great source of great inspiration to you, each other, your children, your grandchildren, and others throughout the generations."

-- President Spencer W. Kimball

I have always been pretty good about keeping a journal since I was a Freshman in high school. Granted, I don't write everyday, and when I don't I usually write on here, which can be counted as a journal, right? I should probably print off the pages and keep them in folders or something so that it will count more. Anyways, I have been slacking on keeping good entries. Usually my hand written journal entries consist of church meetings (when I used to go), scripture study (when I actually studied randomly), or times that I need to vent. Sometimes there are good entries in there too. My goal with this subject is to write more diligently, not just here on my blog, but also in my regular journal. In the future, who knows if my future generations are going to be able to have access to this blog. Technology will be WAY WAY different then than it is now. (Hence the reason I should probably start printing off everything since I've been on here.) I want my future generations to be able to find a common thread between my life and theirs, and hopefully they will find something that reaches out to them and helps them in their life, whether they are going through the exact same things as me or whether it's different.

Part of the invitation in this section is to write down my testimony. I won't do that this post, but next post I will have it for you. Also it encourages to keep a journal, and more specifically of this 21 day journey I'm on. I'm considering this blog as my journal for that... but I may need to write ideas down in my other journal.

I encourage each and everyone of you to write and keep a journal. Not only will your generations benefit from it, but I truly believe that you will also.

Day #2: "Take His Name"

That's right. Day 2 in my marvelous 21 day journey.

"Take His Name"
This section talks more about the sacrament and the purpose for it. It says, "By partaking of the sacrament we covenant that we are willing to take upon us the name of His Son, and always remember Him, especially in our daily walk and conversation." It asks to think of situations in my life that I have encountered in the last week where my actions have been consistent with the covenant I made during the sacrament.... There isn't much that I can think of. How sad. Sad that I can't think of a time that my actions have been consistent with the things that I have promised the Lord. I didn't always remember Him, and I tried to represent him. Not remembering him though hurts my representation of Him, and honestly, that hurts me. I am ashamed. Honestly, I am very ashamed of my actions and my inability to remember the Lord in all my doings and to not represent Him the way that I should be.

My goal for this week? To think of the covenants that I make with the Lord every week that I attend church and partake of the sacrament, and then to make my actions consistent with those covenants. Also, I will remember Him in all that I do and represent Him better.

"When we take His name and always remember hHim and keep His commandments, He gives us the greatest blessing He can give us; that is to always have His spirit to be with us."

- Elder Robert D. Hales

21 Day Challenge

I have many things that I am going to do this year to change myself. Since now you all know that I am struggling with myself spiritually, among other things, I am going to do something about it. For real.
I found this book a few months ago at Deseret Book, when I was at the realization that I was starting to have problems, thinking that I would right away pick it up and do it. But instead, I have let it sit on my bookshelf. I knew there was a reason I had gotten it that day, besides the fact that I wanted to start it that day. I would eventually really use it to my advantage.


It is called, 21 Days Closer to Christ. This is going to be my 21 day challenge. To read each of the days in this book to help me become closer to Christ.

At the beginning of the book, there is an "Introduction". In the introduction, the author says, "This is an invitation for you to take a journey to come to know and recognize more clearly the hand of the Lord in your life. Scattered throughout this book you will find treasures that can make the journey more meaningful to you. The celebration will come from the moments and experiences that bring you closer to Christ...

"...This is your journey, your treasure, and your celebration...

"...If you begin this process with a humble heart, seeking for a stronger testimony, and come with a desire to truly find the Lord, I believe the spirit will guide you in the direction you need to travel to find yourself closer to Christ. Remember, these twenty-one days are only the beginning of a journey that will last forever..."

I am ready to take that invitation and run with it. I am entering into this process with a humble heart, desire to have a stronger testimony and to truly find the Lord and his hand in my life.

So here it goes. DAY 1: COME AND SEE

As I was reading this chapter, there was a paragraph that caught my eye. It said, "We are pulled at on every side by distractions that entangle us. Time constraints, daily chores, work demands, worldly pursuits, pride, or other pressuers may prevent us from developing a relationship with Christ. If we are to be truly happy, if we are to reach our full potential, I believe we must create a place for the Savior in our lives. I testify the sacrifice is worth it. The precious moments that will come as we cast aside our nets will allow us to discover something of much greater worth."

That is one of my many faults. I don't make enough time to put the Lord in my every day life. So what is my goal? To get up early enough everyday to read at least 10 or 15 minutes of scriptures before I get up and get going for my day. If I don't do that, then read at least 10 or 15 minutes worth before I go to bed. Another thing I need to do to put the Lord in my life? Prayer. Pray once in the morning and pray before going to bed.

If I truly make an effort to put the Lord in my life, then everything else during this 21 day challenge and in my life will fall into place, and I will be happier then I am now.

Better Thoughts

Last night, obviously, was a tough night. But after some deep thinking, praying and talking with awesome friends and family, I realized this break time with Cody might be a good thing.

One of the girls I work with gave me a thought today, that Cody isn't is "relationship mode." He's in "missionary mode", which is soo soo true. Just because this happened doesn't mean that it's permanent. She said that may be a reason that his feelings had changed, that he's in the last year of his mission and is just focused on the work that he has set out for him and wants to go out with a bang! So true! I felt so much better after having that conversation.

I have used this time as true reflection for my life as well. This time I am going to be using as a time to get my life back together. To truly understand who I am and work on who I know I need to be and want to be. I thought I already knew that, but the past few months I have decided that I didn't, and after yesterday, I decided I am going to do something about it.

Like I said, I'm not mad at him and I don't hate him, not even close. But I'm not giving up, and after all is said and done if it's not meant to be then I am okay with that and I will move on. But he will ALWAYS be my best friend, that is one thing that will never change.

Anyways, these are just some of my thoughts and my thoughts on here probably don't make sense to any of you, or some of you probably don't care, but I needed to put it down somewhere and this is where I usually come.

Tomorrow will be a much happier post then the past few nights. Thanks for being there for me you guys! I love all 3 of you that read my blog! :P

Nightmare #2

Nightmare #1? Cody coming home and telling me that he had found a girl in Uruguay to marry.
Nighmare #2? Cody writing me a reverse "Dear John" letter and telling me he needs a break.

The second one came true. One of the worst days. EVER. I hadn't gotten a letter or email from Cody in about 2 months, I attributed it to the fact that he was busy and didn't have time to write. Which is perfectly fine. Then I started having these feelings that maybe he was forgetting about me and didn't want me anymore. Attributed that to just being paranoid. But it was actually semi true.

Cody's letter went a little something like this. He said something to the effect of his feelings for me now weren't the same they were 6 months ago, he was getting distracted (which was him keeping his end of the bargain, which was that if I was distracting him or making him not focus then he was to do whatever he thought was necessary to help him.) I'm grateful that he was honest and kept his end of the bargain.

I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart, and for a 2nd time. This time is worse then the first. I've waited for a year and now it kind of feels like a waste. I know it probably isn't, but it sure feels like it.

I don't hate him. I'm not mad at him. I'm just heart broken.

He said that when he comes home, we could try again if I wanted. Well of course it's what I want! But it has to be his decision. He is the one who has had a change of feelings for me. He is the one that needs to decide if he wants to give it another try. Not mine. Not gonna lie though, it will make it harder if he decides he wants to try. Putting myself out there for a 3rd time if he decides will be hard, and not a cake walk.

I would rather have him as a friend then not at all, but honestly, I wouldn't want him as just a friend either. Not right now at least.

I don't know what to do with his promise ring now. Do I keep it? Wear it? Put it away until he comes home? Give it to his sister to have her give it to him when he comes home? What do I do with it? Guess I'll put it away for a while until I figure it out.

I respect the fact that he needs to be focused out there. I really do. It's not fair to him to have him have to think about his work out there and his family back home. Add a girlfriend to the equation and it's not fair. It's harder for him then it probably has ever been for me. I respect his decision, though I'm really heart broken over it.

I still love him. I probably always will. I will for the next 12 months that's for sure. Don't judge me. Walk in my shoes and then tell me it doesn't hurt.

Been a rough day. February is just not my month. Ever.

Good luck to all of you other missionary girlfriends out there. Hope it turns out better for you then it has for me.